I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
Randomize
