We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
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