Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
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Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
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You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
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