Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
Randomize
