nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
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