i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
Pretty sure she's used to bigger guys. She kept slipping off while on top. like, constantly
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
I wanna dance tonight. i just wanna grind my ass in some man's dick.
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
Randomize
