My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
thanks for letting me have sex in your bed, too bad you didn't get to yet
who are you?
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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