i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
Church boner. Awkwardddd
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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