My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
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