just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
the mechanics of walkigng feel weird right now everyone lools like a demon
what does alcohol mean
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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