dude, your ex-bf is on match.com
details on that.
well, his profile doesn't say anything about herpes.
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
