I sk at the spereo and my dad gave me and all access pass
what???
AN ALL ACCESS PASSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS
im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
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