Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
Mixed review. I fucked her in the river, but then we were assaulted by ducks.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
Randomize
