moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
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