I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
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