if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
Randomize
