I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
Randomize
