The maid of honor just puked.
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
Randomize
