Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
I'm excited for you as you venture towards new drug experiences
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
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