I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
it felt great physically, but AWFUL morally.
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
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