Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
Whats the glycemic index on semen?
An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
Thus began an intricate shell game of nude cardigan photos
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
Randomize
