I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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