I murdered the dance floor call the cops
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
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