What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
