i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
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