Oh man dude like 1000 to 1500 milligrams. Its gonna burn like bad though.
If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
Randomize
