I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
You told me "I need to pound this drinks if I'm going to pretend his dick is big enough" then left. Dollar night quotes 2012
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
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