If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
her teeth looked like a whores toenails, i was too horrified to
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize
