he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
I also witnessed that same parrot perched on the head of a man grinding with a girl.
Interesting. As a girl I don't know how okay I would be with that.
She seemed pretty into it.
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
