he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
Randomize
