She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
Ok Ghana you win again. Tell you what...Double or nothing over women's tennis, basketball, hockey, war, baseball, golf, swimming, diving, oil spills, box office proceeds, internet porn sites, criminals incarcerated, women's downhill, bass fishing, NASCAR, or GDP?
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
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