I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
the whole time he was cumming, he did the joey lawrence WHOA. over and over. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA.
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
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I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
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PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
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