Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
ANNA HAS DISCOVERED EROTIC FANFICTION OF SHARKNADO THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
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