you were convinced campus grass and foliage would give you your daily serving of vegetables to balance out the amount of alcohol you drank.
im over her. I got weed and youtube. everything i could ever ask for.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
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