I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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