I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
Never let your siblings swipe right.
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
Randomize
