She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
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