so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
I just spent an hour correcting all the grammar and spelling of all the 2pac songs on my ipod
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
I'm playing a game where i judge myself by whats in my cart. Also have 3 bright red giant buckets
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
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