We were so bored at work tonight that we were in dry storage taking turns pouring the boxed wine we use for cooking into each others' mouths. I think I'm starting to understand the "problem" aspect of "drinking problem."
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
season finale of lost and an oz of weed. tonight my mind is going to be blown.
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Randomize
