my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
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