The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home
So if a 2 is a 10 on the road... do we consider college to be "on the road?" help. its urgent.
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
Randomize
