we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
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