obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
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