Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize
