It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
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