theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
Those balls look pretty dangerous.
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
It's official! Naked girl is back and making stir fry. Still not sure she realizes we can see her whole apartment from our balcony. Cheap beer and a show.
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