This is not my ceiling
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
I need a beard to bite.
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize
