So his roomate was eating breakfast when I was sneaking out. He's the guy I took home from jessicas wedding. I ended up eating coco puffs with him
Just another sign I need to get out of this town
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
he had hair everywhere except his balls
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
Randomize
