He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
we played animal sounds and i linked arms with her cuz we were both cats....fate and my community college drama teacher have chosen my one night stand
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
Randomize
