Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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