Look at my ENTIRE past
Highly public sexual behavior gross mismanagement of funds socially unaccpetable and radical speech and thought
Might as well have a blog about it at this point
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Randomize
