You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
Just start grabbing cocks. It can't go wrong! Just say you thought you knew him and wanted to check.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
So just what does one wear when attending a sex toy party with ones mother-in-law?
Jeans and a nice top.
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
