Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Randomize
