you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
