I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
do herpes really smell.
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
Is that strawberry winking at me??
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