By the way the awkward moment from yesterday is now a bad situation I have to figure out.
Thank you Grey Goose.
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Randomize
