Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
Randomize
