I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
I like yr title more along "the hot Russian I have sex with."
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
Randomize
