shes hot in the i'd deny it if anyone asked kinda way
Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
