I remember going home with 2 girls. Woke up with 4.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
Randomize
