Def gonna have stinky sex sometime soon. GOT TO! she has eligible friends for you, as well.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
Randomize
